1.22.2013

Different

I had this post all thought out and ready to go when my sweet boy came over to me and gave me an unsolicited snuggle. He climbed up onto the couch, wrapped his arms around my neck and laid his head on my chest. It lasted not longer than 30 seconds, but before he climbed down and went back to playing, he planted a soft little baby kiss on my lips. I was AGAIN reminded (for the gajillionth time since Jack was born) just how much I love my life and this little boy. 

I keep trying to put my feelings into words and it just really isn't coming out right. I'm not looking for pity. I'm really not looking for anything - except maybe a place to vent some feelings. This is whiny and spoiled and I just want to say up front that I acknowledge that. I am so lucky and so blessed and I know that too...
Maybe 20, 30 years ago I wouldn't feel like this sometimes. But now? When most people get married in their mid to late twenties and wait to have kids until their late-twenties or early-thirties, I feel different.

Sometimes I wish I was 28. Random, I know. But lots of women at 28 are married with kids. They are far along enough in their careers to have houses and dual incomes. They "lived it up" in their twenties. They did things right.

But then I get mad. Why should I feel like the way I am doing things is wrong?! Maybe I feel that way because of the sweeping declarations from every 20-something in blog land (married or not) of how you really need your twenties to have fun and learn and blah blah blah. I don't judge that decision. Sometimes I do wish John and I had had more time to be just us... but because we didn't, I constantly feel defensive about it. 


Sometimes I feel left out. My friends are "living it up" (you know, the way you are supposed to) and I have stretch marks and the ability to get drunk from 3 sips of wine. Do not get me wrong. I LOVE being a mom. I really and truly believe that I was meant to be a mom. I always have. I always figured I would be the first of my friends to have kids too... I don't know. I just feel like I am an alien when out with people my age. The "married friend" the friend "with a baby". 


I also feel like people my age don't want to read this blog. They don't want to read about marriage and growing babies and how I went to sleep at 10 pm on a Saturday night. Other moms might not want to read this blog because I am 23 and what could I know or offer that is worthwhile? Every time I see that someone has "unfollowed" me I wonder if it's because they can't relate to me. It's silly, really silly. There are so many wonderful people that read my blog. They comment and email and make me feel heard. I have made friendships that I treasure. But sometimes this space adds to insecurities. 

Sometimes I hate that I can't just go to happy hour with my grad school friends. It's REALLY really stupid. Like, the most stupid thing to hate ever. I am exhausted at the end of the day, why would I want to go to a bar and drink one drink that will make me even sleepier? I suppose I sometimes hate that I don't have the option.

This is sounding whiny and silly and whatnot. There are a lot of people in my life that I can relate to. On marriage, on parenthood. I know that someday those 28 year old women that treat me like I am 12 years old will except me as a friend because a 5 year difference in age is really nothing. I know that when John and I are empty nesters in our early 50's I will be so pleased that we get to travel and spend A LOT of time "just the two of us". 

I guess I'm impatient. I'm sensitive. I'm defensive of my wonderful life. Who knows. Maybe there are other young moms or wives out there that feel the same. Maybe other wives or moms, in general, that can relate to this. 

I'm going to pretend that at least one person read this and could relate and feels less alone because of it so that I feel less whiny/spoiled... 
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26 comments:

K said...

My parents had us really young. They were 20 when they got pregnant with my brother and 21 when they had him. By 24 they had two kids. Their relationship went quick too and they DID have their problems. It was hard and it was a whole lot of work, BUT, by the time they were like 40, when all of their friends had little kids, we were old enough to be on our own, so they got to have their time. Not when they were in their 20's but they got it. And there's no "right" timeline. But I get what you are saying. I'm 27 and see all of these people who have been married for years and have multiple kids and I'm like "what am I doing wrong".

Shannon said...

Look at this way your kid(s) will be out of the house by the time you're in your early 40's when most of your friends will still have kids in middle/high school you'll be able to take fun vacations and such.

Hell I'm 32 and still sometimes feel too young to actually be married with a kid.

Kimberley T said...

I'm near enough the same age with you and have a 17 month old and #2 on the way. Sometimes I do look at other people my age and think they seem to be having more fun than me but then I look at my daughter and forget about all that. We intended to have a family young. The way I see it we're full of energy now and in the best years of our lives so why not share these years and the extra energy with our children i stead of being out partying all the time. Theres always off days where we want the things other people have and we feel like old farts for being in bed before 10pm but at least by the time our children are grown we can be young still, I wouldn't want to have started the parenting journey later in life and be too tired to really have experienced every moment.

Kenzie Smith said...

I can relate a little too well. I'm 23 and my son will be turning 3 in April. I know the feeling of missing being 'young and free' and thinking that I should have waited a little bit longer to have a kid. And, like you said, I love being a mom and my little boy means the world to me. But, it is hard reading all these blogs of ladies our age that are living it up with great careers, constantly traveling, and just having fun. If you ever need someone to talk to, I'm here. Just make sure it's before 9pm on any day of the week, I hit the sack about 9:30 ;D

Lauren said...

I feel EXACTLY like you do. I wonder, "did I make the wrong choices? where would I be now if I didn't get pregnant, married, etc?" Its really hard. Just have to know what you have is more than enough and cherish the love your sweet baby has for you, and you for him. Its amazing and just because we're young doesn't mean we're wrong or weird or stupid. We're just living our journey...sometimes down a little different of a path...the road "less traveled" as they say - or is it? You're doing great, Kay! Loved this post and related SO much to it. Glad I'm not alone in this. :)

Megan B.B. said...

(This would be a perfect post to link up with us.)
Wow, so I guess I'm the magic # then being 28 and all. However, I can assure you that even being 28, I don't feel like I should be in my 20's anymore. I am so thrilled to be 30 next yr, finally!
I remember being your age-ish, and being at a cross-road because I felt that many of my friendships weren't in the same place as me (I was actually the party chick, while a good # of my friends were starting families)
It happens, but TRUST ME when I say that when they settle down, and get pregnant, you'll be amazed at the amount of friends you have come back in your life.
You're so strong, and very mature for your age- don't put a number value on it. :)
And, you're lucky- you and John WILL be young empty nesters, and I'll be like, 60. Ick. :)
xoxo
Megan

The Chambers' said...

Girl I'm about to be 28 and I still feel this way!!! I miss hanging with my single girl friends whenever I wanted to and going wherever I wanted to on a whim. I miss getting drunk and dancing and I miss the relationship I had with my now husband in the beginning when it was all brand new, but I would not change it for anything. I think every mom feels that way from time to time. You are still a great mom and wife even if you miss the good ol' days from time to time! xoxo

Stacy said...

And here I am, the 27 year old who goes to bed early, doesn't like to drink, and doesn't have children lol. I totally should have children.

Joking aside, think of how, though those experiences would be fun, they are pretty empty. What you have with your husband and son are SO full :). That doesn't mean you can't be a little sad and miss that, though!

Chloe said...

I understand how you feel! I get all depressed because all my blog friends have exciting weekends and I just sit at home. I think it's normal. :)

High School Sweethearts said...

I was going to send you an email but I could not find it.

It is like your speaking from my heart. I got married to my high school sweetheart at 20. I had my first son at the age of 22 and my second at 23 (almost 24). I'm also one of the first to have a child. Some of my friends are having kids but a lot of my close friends aren't even married yet. I go through this same thing in my head when someone wants to do dinner, a movie, or even just hang out at someones house. You are not alone.

I love your blog, you make me feel more normal:) (I'm 25). You also live close I think, I'm in Michigan.

Feel free to email me at mvdeyarmond@yahoo.com anytime you need a ear!

Mis En Place said...

Okay, you and I both know that I'm not a Mom yet, but I can relate on the being married when very few friends are.
I honestly think you have no need to feel guilty, whiny, selfish, etc for feeling that way--I feel it too (even minus a child).
Sometimes I seriously just want to go out, get hammered, and not be judged for being the "boring married one." It's tough, but so worth it!
Chin up, you're doing a wonderful job :)

Jen

Sarah Keck said...

I agree with Jen. I'm not anywhere near having children but sometimes I do feel that we are let out because others think that Andrew and I come as a pair. It's easy to get down about it, but your life really is much more full! You don't need to get down about it. If you have single girlfriends who are weird toward you it's just because they envy YOU!

Angie said...

I totally feel you!! I actually turned 21 while I was prego with my first (you can guess how fun that 21st celebration was! ha) I sometimes wish Shane and I would have done things the other way around, for me its more because of college. I had 2 kiddos through undergrad and grad school and it SUCKED! 3 of my closest friends had their first babes around 19-21 so I am thankful I have that, but one of my best friends is going on 28 and no kids, and sometimes I do envy the fact she has been able to "live it up" with all her non mom friends throughout her twenties and can go out as she pleases. I think we all feel that way at some point, even though we would never trade our babies for the world! I also agree with your comment that a big part of it is just the fact its "not an option" I get annoyed at times because someone can do something else, not because I even WANT to, but just because I can't ha You are not alone!

Ochi Bernadas said...

Hey, I'm your newest follower! Found you through the blog hop!

Follow back?

xoxo
ochibernadas.blogspot.com

Chris said...

Hi Kay, just stopping by to say how delightful and profound your blog is. Thanks so much for sharing. I have recently found your blog and am now following you, and will visit often. Please stop by my blog and perhaps you would like to follow me also. Have a wonderful day. Hugs, Chris
http://chelencarter-retiredandlovingit.blogspot.ca/

Amber Cease said...

Swinging by from yesterday's Mommy Confession Link-Up. This is me (and my Hubby) to a freakin' "T!" I was 22 years old when I had our son, and 24 years old when I had our daughter... I am now 25 and feel like I can't relate to many of my previous "non-procreating" friends, but at the same time don't feel accepted by older mommas in their late 20s/early 30s. So thanks for sharing! Newest follower right here via Bloglovin' ;)

Erin De Young said...

I feel like I don't fit so often! I got married at 22, still in college. I was the first of my friends. I absolutely adore being married and am so looking forward to the day I have a baby on the way. However, it's really hard when friends want me to go out for drinks or game nights or whatever and I just don't fit into that party stage of life. I go to bed by 10 and don't even have a baby to blame it on!
I think there just is a point when your priorities change, it's nothing bad or wrong, but it's so hard when it feels like your priorities changed but no one else's have. I try to remind myself that I'm blessed to have this amazingly steady, deep relationship that will be around forever. I'd gladly give up partying and girls nights for that.

Elizabeth said...

I have read your blog for awhile now, and I completely understand how you feel!!!!
I got married at 20 so we could move in together (and all the good love reasons too), but I always felt weird about it. I couldn't really relate to anyone in college and I have such a hard time making friends anyways. Our marriage has definitely had its low points (mostly because of me and immature decisions.) I have spend many a time jealous of others my age just getting married after college and their perfect wedding and they are some just starting a family. I someways don't think it's fair that they seem to have the "perfect" life.
BUT I have an amazing husband I love more than anything!! And my life is perfect for me (even if I don't always see it)! I have almost 5 years of marriage under my belt and have learned soooo much in those 5 (short) years!!!
Sorry to write you a novel! :) this just hits kinda close to home...

Mrs. H said...

Lady I could have written this post word for word.

Amanda M. said...

I feel you here. I'm 26, so I'm closer to that 28 you're thinking of, but I feel like I'm in between most of my friends my age are still out partying and "living it up" so I feel like they don't really get me any more and I feel like my older friends think I'm too young to really get it. It's frustrating. Granted, I wouldn't trade having my baby girl for anything in the world... but I just feel so out of place. New follower here BTW!

Heather @ Cookies For Breakfast said...

Girl, I must be a wierdo because when I was your age, I was just starting my mommy-blog-reading obsession, even though I was fresh out of college and just dating Derek (a.k.a. don't worry about people your age not being able to relate and thus not reading!). Mommy blogs have always been my favorite - it's great to read ones written by people just like me, but I also love reading blogs of people different from me too (though, I get the feeling you and I are alike in many ways, despite me being an old granny haha!). It's fun to read different people's perspectives on things - I like finding the occasional nugget gem blog of someone doing something totally different than I am. So, don't worry about unfollowers or people not relating!

Despite being "different" (really not so different though!), you are doing an amazing job as a mom and wife - you're mature for your age in the best way possible - not many people your age would be able to do the things you are doing, and do them so well! I forget that you're 23 sometimes!

Okay now I'm getting emotional. This is probably what happens when you get 3 hours of sleep and are on an airplane all day. This is supposed to be a nice, kind, supportive comment and now I've word vomited all over the place. But ANYWAY, what I mean to say is, kudos to you.

Maya said...

Love your blog! So inspirational!

Wanna follow each other?
http://mayasfashioncorner.blogspot.com

Andie said...

first of all, let me preface this by telling you that while our boys are merely days apart age wise, I am about to turn 36. and on the other side of the spectrum, for a VERY long time, I was in the same situation except I was the one who DIDN'T have a child amongst all of my friends who WERE having children. I often had many of the same feelings- like I was being left out because I didn't have a child, or like I wasn't cool enough to be part of that club (even though it wasn't my fault I couldn't get pregnant!)

It sucked on that end too. I honestly believe that He gives us certain situations and things that we may have to struggle with to make us stronger later on for something better. It sucks during the time but no matter, in the end, it will have a benefit. It's all part of the great big Plan!

Hugs, girl! If you want to hang out with an old grandma like me, come on down to New Orleans! ;) LOL

Meredith Galazka said...

I just found your blog - and am so happy I did! It is great to find another young Mom. I was 24 when I got pregnant, and first to get married and have a baby of my friends. I look forward to future posts. Thanks for the honest post!

Chelsey Allen said...

I am 23, engaged to a wonderful man... My friends think that I am too young, by the time I get married I will be 24. No one around me is even close to that stage in their life.

I WANT KIDS NOW, or yesterday works too :) there is no timeline, only what works for you, makes sense to you, feels honest in your heart.

Cheer up girl! You are amazing.

Danielle said...

Hi, I just found your blog. It as nice to read this post. I am 21, married for a year, and have a 6 month old daughter. I am finishing my last semester of undergrad and then moving on to working. Living in a college town with a baby makes me wonder if I made the right choices. If it is right for her. It makes me feel like I am giving her a bad life sometimes. I don't really miss going out to parties and things like that with friends because I never did that much anyways. But I do miss going out to dinner with my now husband or spending the day out shopping with him. But at the same time, I always wanted a family and never wanted to wait until I was in my late twenties. Sometimes I feel like it wouldn't matter when we did things we would still question if it is 'right' and if we made the 'right' choice.

Danielle
jenki3dl@gmail.com