I had this post all thought out and ready to go when my sweet boy came over to me and gave me an unsolicited snuggle. He climbed up onto the couch, wrapped his arms around my neck and laid his head on my chest. It lasted not longer than 30 seconds, but before he climbed down and went back to playing, he planted a soft little baby kiss on my lips. I was AGAIN reminded (for the gajillionth time since Jack was born) just how much I love my life and this little boy.
I keep trying to put my feelings into words and it just really isn't coming out right. I'm not looking for pity. I'm really not looking for anything - except maybe a place to vent some feelings. This is whiny and spoiled and I just want to say up front that I acknowledge that. I am so lucky and so blessed and I know that too...
Maybe 20, 30 years ago I wouldn't feel like this sometimes. But now? When most people get married in their mid to late twenties and wait to have kids until their late-twenties or early-thirties, I feel different.
Sometimes I wish I was 28. Random, I know. But lots of women at 28 are married with kids. They are far along enough in their careers to have houses and dual incomes. They "lived it up" in their twenties. They did things right.
But then I get mad. Why should I feel like the way I am doing things is wrong?! Maybe I feel that way because of the sweeping declarations from every 20-something in blog land (married or not) of how you really need your twenties to have fun and learn and blah blah blah. I don't judge that decision. Sometimes I do wish John and I had had more time to be just us... but because we didn't, I constantly feel defensive about it.
Sometimes I feel left out. My friends are "living it up" (you know, the way you are supposed to) and I have stretch marks and the ability to get drunk from 3 sips of wine. Do not get me wrong. I LOVE being a mom. I really and truly believe that I was meant to be a mom. I always have. I always figured I would be the first of my friends to have kids too... I don't know. I just feel like I am an alien when out with people my age. The "married friend" the friend "with a baby".
I also feel like people my age don't want to read this blog. They don't want to read about marriage and growing babies and how I went to sleep at 10 pm on a Saturday night. Other moms might not want to read this blog because I am 23 and what could I know or offer that is worthwhile? Every time I see that someone has "unfollowed" me I wonder if it's because they can't relate to me. It's silly, really silly. There are so many wonderful people that read my blog. They comment and email and make me feel heard. I have made friendships that I treasure. But sometimes this space adds to insecurities.
Sometimes I hate that I can't just go to happy hour with my grad school friends. It's REALLY really stupid. Like, the most stupid thing to hate ever. I am exhausted at the end of the day, why would I want to go to a bar and drink one drink that will make me even sleepier? I suppose I sometimes hate that I don't have the option.
This is sounding whiny and silly and whatnot. There are a lot of people in my life that I can relate to. On marriage, on parenthood. I know that someday those 28 year old women that treat me like I am 12 years old will except me as a friend because a 5 year difference in age is really nothing. I know that when John and I are empty nesters in our early 50's I will be so pleased that we get to travel and spend A LOT of time "just the two of us".
I guess I'm impatient. I'm sensitive. I'm defensive of my wonderful life. Who knows. Maybe there are other young moms or wives out there that feel the same. Maybe other wives or moms, in general, that can relate to this.
I'm going to pretend that at least one person read this and could relate and feels less alone because of it so that I feel less whiny/spoiled...